The Story Behind “Silent Voices”

Your subconscious is communicating through the universal language; fear. Free your soul so that you can free yourself. 

Still like it was just yesterday, I remember creating this quote in my head and repeating it over and over again while thinking of a way to make this idea into a visual reality. It was during my senior year of college; I was at the start of creating my thesis for one of my classes when my complex imagination finally started to make some sense after all. 

Growing up all my life, anxiety has always played a huge role in day to day living without even realizing it when I was young. Of course, not to say that just because I was living with anxiety since I was young I never let it take over me; and still to this day I have found so many helpful tools and people who help and support me along the way. Despite all my struggles; I have always been able to overcome every obstacle no matter what. After countless years of trying to deeply understand myself; everything that I was going through finally made sense after seeking professional help. I knew that getting to know myself at such an intense level was only going to benefit me in the end. And as soon as that new chapter in my life began; I knew exactly how I wanted to express my vulnerable self through the eyes of a visual artist. 

Through my visualizations, not only did I want to portray myself in a raw, truthful and vulnerable way; but I also wanted to raise awareness about the importance of seeking medical help and knowing that just because you struggle with a mental illness, you don’t have to feel ashamed and alone. Besides wanting to help educate our society about the truths of mental illnesses; I stopped for a moment to think “how would anxiety, depression and even schizophrenia look like if others could physically see what was going on inside our heads?” This question really made me pause, and ask myself if I could really make this thought come to life for our eyes to see. 

With lots of deep thoughts running through my head; I knew exactly how I was going to accomplish it all. With the help of some dear friends who were willing to being photographed; I was finally starting to see everything come together just like I envisioned it from the start. I wanted to create a series of different individuals suffering from anxiety, depression and schizophrenia. Knowing that I only suffer from one of these three conditions; I knew I would have to dig deep and research symptoms of the other two. And so my research and thinking began. After countless hours of reading and noting down the things that stood out to me the most out of these two mental illnesses I had everything planned out to the tee. 

I talked with my first friend, who was going to be portraying what it’s like living with schizophrenia and gave her a summary about what the disease was all about. Hallucinations, seeing/hearing voices, and delusions are just a few of the many symptoms a person can have when dealing with schizophrenia.  Even though my friend doesn’t suffer from this illness; I still wanted her to imagine herself living like this everyday and showing it to the world through the lens of a camera. We went into a studio where I was able to set up all the lighting equipment, tripod and the right camera settings. During the shoot I gave my friend the freedom to express herself the way she visualized living with schizophrenia was like. As a photographer, I like to give the people I’m photographing a sense of  liberation; so they don’t have to feel pressured to follow my directions at all times during a shoot. After countless hours in the studio working as a team hand in hand; my first series of silent voices became a visual reality.  

Fast forward to a couple of days after my first series; and it was time to work with my other friend who was going to be portraying what it’s like living with depression. Unlike my previous friend who didn’t suffer from schizophrenia; this other friend did go through periods of depression in the past. She knew what it was like to have symptoms of hopelessness, emptiness and loss of motivation to mention a few. She was ever so willing to help me with my second series; and express to the public the real visual truths of living with depression. I packed up all my camera gear; and we headed straight to the studio for long hours of work ahead of us. During our shoot, I let my friend really express the way she did when she was going through very dark periods in her life. Photograph by photograph I was able to see exactly how it would look like to struggle with depression on a daily basis. I could tell my friend felt completely comfortable with the fact that I was photographing her in such a vulnerable state. And just like that I was able to tell myself that my second series of silent voices was complete. 

Last but not least, the final part of my series on what it’s like living with anxiety. For this part of my series I used a different approach to the way that I was when photographing the two other illnesses. First of all, instead of being behind the camera like I was in the other two shoots; during this series I was both behind and in front of the camera. And let me start by saying that self portrait photography is not an easy thing! With no one to assist me during the shoot to make sure I was completely in focus; I had to take on the role and do it all myself. Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post; I’ve lived with anxiety almost my entire life so I knew exactly how to portray myself to the eyes of the public. Your heart beating out of you chest for no apparent reason, hands sweating like if you just washed your hands, and trembling both on the inside and out are just a few of the symptoms of anxiety. Thinking about everything that happens to me when I’m going through an anxiety attack is just what I wanted to express with the help of my camera. And so with a lot of patience and dedication I was able to complete the last of my series.

Now, you may be wondering where did the title “Silent Voices” come from in the first place? Well I want people like myself and maybe even you if you suffer from any kind of mental illness to not feel silent. We all have a voice, and we have the power to use it to express how we are truly feeling in the inside.